you’re the first i’ve cared about in a while and i think that’s dumb. i’m over thinking it. i’m too invested. i think you see me as a friend and a good fuck. i don’t think you look forward to waking up next to me in the morning. but i look forward to every second i spend with you. i don’t think you want to lose your friends. but i don’t want you to lose your friends either. i know you won’t wait around for me. you’re restless and free and i’m restless and stuck. my heart breaks just thinking of the heart break to come if this continues. we could be great but, chances are, we won’t. summer loves never last. 

Summer nights are for hopeless romantics.

It smells like thunderstorms and hot cement, but all I can think about is you. I don’t know where to begin because I am so afraid of being hurt. This lingering happiness that awaits us or doesn’t…it’s killing me. I want to smell you and see you, not this summer evening. The idea of going to sleep in your arms and waking up beside you. It’s killing me. This idea of love is killing me. Don’t over think it. Don’t take it too seriously. When is it okay for me to relax? Right now I am at the edge of my seat every moment wondering what you are doing, what you are thinking about and when I can see you again. Summer nights can make anyone fall in love. 

how did i even manage to get here?

this job that is like a nine to five but worse. less money, no benefits, the dilemma of waking up everyday knowing you aren’t going anywhere. we never stop going. we keep going and we stay unhappy. we stay in these ruts of unhappiness and selfishness. my skin is tanned and my body is finally losing all the fat I gained over the winter. Ice cream and movies were my nightly routines and shorts only emphasized it. But who cares? I lose 5 pounds, 10 maybe, my skin turns brown and my hair grows long and wavy but I’m still waking up and moving backwards. we’re moving backwards. 

Just my long hair, a sweatshirt and underwear. 

My favorite way to sleep, my favorite time of year. 

i’m tired. my body aches and my teeth are clenching together like i’m sick with the flu. it’s suppose to be a warm summer night, but instead i’m lying in bed covered in blankets. the windows open. it may not be warm enough yet but i like to hear the traffic and the chatter of the neighborhood kids. i’m tired and it’s making me tired. i’m tired of thinking and trying to be perfect. how do i slow my mind down? i cannot even make these sentences fit together. 

Is this what love feels like? Insecurities and endless nights waiting for your calls, punctuated with intoxicating moments spent with you. I don’t know what love is. Sex and maturity have ruined my outlook on life. Love, love, love. I thought it was suppose to be beautiful. I didn’t know it would mean this much heartbreak, this many tears. I didn’t know it meant you could go and love someone else when you’re suppose to be loving me. My insecurities are amplified under the look of those gorgeous green eyes. So personal and sincere when your face is right next to mine. But then you’re gone, that’s gone, any idea of love I have is gone. No boy wants an insecure girl. I try sleeping in just my underwear and nothing else. I try to embrace my body, accept it. But I can’t stand the way my boobs flop around in the open air, exposed to the harsh cold of these endless winter nights. I can’t stand the feeling of my bare skin against my soft blankets. I can’t stand to look down and see this body that I somehow ended up in. Is it really mine. Is this what love feels like? You could tell me I’m beautiful every day and I still wouldn’t be able to sleep like this.